Lilac lily pads: Lost and outta control

Never get into a rebound relationship... You end up hurting a lot more people than u think ...

I needed a break... after the accident I buried myself in work and cut off all relationships with the people who mattered most, my friends. I didn't go for their parties, I stopped going to their places to hang out, I didn't know myself anymore but then there was her.

She was there sitting alone, I smiled and held her gaze, she looked away... I couldn't see her face but I knew she was smiling... ''Target acquired'' I told myself... She wasn't all that pretty but she did have an aura about her, a secret she withheld within. This wasn't as easy as I thought it would be... I saw her again the next day... At the same table, alone, I smiled my toothy smile; she smiled back in acknowledgment... I always felt the toughest part of starting a conversation with a stranger was to have them acknowledge your presence, this done, the rest would follow its way. We spoke, a lot actually and I don't remember one thing about that conversation, she gave me her number, '' Call me''; she said...

I met her later that week, she wasn't in her best of moods, I waited ... its funny how people spill their hearts out when u sit there in silence... '' You didn't call'', she said, I was at a loss for an excuse and just stared blankly at her... '' I don't usually give my number out but I liked your company, I think I made a mistake'' ... I mumbled something about work and I'm guessing she bought it, we spoke later that night and by the end of the week we were inseparable.

I was alive again. I liked her touch, how she fit in exactly when my arm went around her waist, I loved how her hair smelt, her soft skin, her smooth hands, the smile on her face but there was something missing.

She loved me, I know she did... This time it was me, I couldn't love her back, and I somehow began fearing commitment... I wanted out...

It was 2 days from her birthday and she kept on talking about how great it would be for me to meet all her friends. She was telling about this one friend of hers who she had know ever since she was 7, something snapped and I went nuclear, I'm still not sure what triggered it off but it was our first major fight.

We were together hardly a month and we were already fighting; I knew it was over, she didn't... I was too much of a coward to tell her. Her birthday came, I switched my phone off, I didn't call her... The party... I wasn't with her...

I called her just before I left for the graveyard shift, she was crying, she knew...

I hated myself for ruining her most special day, no matter how I justified it I still looked the Grinch. I was hurt but not as much as her, her friends told me she cried for days after that, they didn't understand why I left without saying a word. I didn't have an answer.

Honestly I still don't know why I did what I did. I lost a friend, someone who loved me and yet I felt no pain... I was dead.

Lilac lily pads: La troisième partie

Everything that is flawed must be discarded. People are flawed, people make rules. Hence all rules are flawed and so should be discarded.

I was walking again, a cane in hand, but walking.

She called; she told me she was happy, my answer was silence… She told me she was leaving town with him. “I want to meet you before I go” she said “can I come over to your place…”. It’s funny how you forget how someone hurt you when you love them. The meeting was brief, the usual questions, the chiding, the silence, the awkward goodbye. A bruised ego, a scarred heart and a healing bone… Never the best combination for a hormone imbalanced teen. I should have picked myself up and moved on, I wasn’t strong enough… Despair …
I was banned from riding, the only thing that could set me free was taken away. Depression set in… Some people noticed it, most didn’t… I retreated into a shell… suicidal dreams… Contemplating how to ends one’s life seems absurdly simple, a little too simple… All it took was one call that changed everything.

I absentmindedly searched in the dark for the phone, annoying ringtone. I made a mental note to change it before it drove me clinically insane. .. I looked at the glowing screen… 3am… I wondered who could be so inconsiderate to call at such an ungodly hour… I didn’t recognize the number and decided to ignore it. Just as I was drifting back into sleep, it rang again, I sprang up and almost immediately felt the pain surge, I muffled myself with the pillow, damn the leg. I looked at the phone, the same number. I picked it up with every intention to scream my head off. As soon as the phone reached my ear “I love her dude… I really love her” the voice was slurred, he was drunk, I shook the sleep off, “ Who?” I asked, “I love her dude and she doesn’t even know it…” ; wide awake now I recognized the voice, an old friend; “I’m fucking useless man, I never told her”; he went on; “My dad hates me, I flunked, I tried, you know I tried and it doesn’t even matter now”. I was at a loss of words, my teetotaler friend was drunk, in love and drunk, to top it all depressed too. “ I think I’ll jump off the roof and kill myself”; (this is actually what he said and I shit you not);Almost instantaneous lucidity hit him and he corrected himself;” The roof isn’t high enough to kill me… I fucking useless man, I can’t even kill myself “. I still haven’t figured out why I said the next line, “Jump off the roof again man, eventually you gonna kill yourself”. “Now you are a real friend man, a real buddy, I love you man”…. Silence… the line went dead… Panic hit me, was he still alive, I called him back… no answer… I called again, this time the slurred voice was even more slurred “ I passed out man” . This was comforting in a very weird way. We spoke for another hour with him mostly accusing me of hiding people in my closet. He eventually drifted off to sleep.

As I looked through the window in my room, I could see the red hues of dawn breaking … HOPE… Guess I didn’t have a good enough reason to sulk, I didn’t fail, I loved someone and they knew it.

Lilac Lily Pads: The truth

God if he does exist, is one sadistic bastard... He gives u hope n then thrashes everything with excruciating pain... I always asked myself why its so easy to fall in love n yet so hard to get over it.

here goes...

She dumped me, she was getting back to him, I was foolish to think it would last, I need someone to talk to, I need someone to hold on to... Thoughts rushing through, its all a blur, friends, I need my friends , frantically I search for my phone, fuck, fuck, why don't they pick up... I need some air...

I fill in my tank... Full... ''I'm gonna take myself on a little ride'' I tell my overloaded brian, I head for the outskirts, for 3 hours I ride aimlessly but I sense an uplifting, a serenity, someone once told me faster faster till the thrill of speed takes over the fear of death, the bike was running like a charm, the port job seemed to be doing its job, I stop for a chai at the roadside stall, I decide to try calling my friends again,Still no answer, busy they must be... an hour before sunset and I have a long way to get home, no way do I want to caught on an illight highway with a headlamp that wouldn't even pass of for an oil lamp... The ride home was excruciating, still no one to talk to, the lightening of my spirit was gone, I felt a dead weight settle, the setting sun did me no favors, the sickening graying of my soul grew darker, one last try, I ll try meeting the guys at their place, I need the support, as I get nearer to the adda I feel the skies clear n I suddenly felt lighter, I take the turn in n head for the room, no no ... Locked, the room is locked... locked ... Frustrated I leave, maybe home isn't so bad after all, the 5 minute ride from the adda to my place was nothing spectacular, my mind was still muddled, nothing made sense, confusion had taken over, I missed the turn, ''Nevermind'' I tell myself ''I'll take the next one'', I miss the next turn Too, I decide to pay a little more attention, the last turn is one that I never took, somehow never liked the road, as I took the turn I almost fell off trying to regain my bearings as one car took the turn too wide... I put my foot down to stop my self from toppling with the bike on top of me, the driver smiles sheepishly for a sorry apology, I snap my visor down, n start the bike, all of a sudden the road cleared, no traffic, it was like something was calling me, I revved hard and popped my clutch, the bike leaped forward 10,20, 30 , I switched to second, my fav, the bike screamed, 40, 60 as it almost hit 80, I slipped into 3rd, 90, 110 , oh shit, kid on the road, move u Freakin kid... Move... Too fast to brake, I veer to the left... Fuk oh Fuk, I slam on the brakes, holding on hard as I braced for the impact as I veered off the road, a wall of bricks stood in front of me... I try, I try hard to pull back to the right, its off no use, its too late, everything went in slow motion as I neared the pile of bricks, when my knee hit it, I could hear the bone snap, I felt my foot go limp and dangle lifeless to the side... I saw the handle-bar bend and held on still trying to get it back on the road, a futile attempt, all this happened in a split second, yet it felt like forever, the silence was broken as I heard the howl of the engine die as I let go off the accelerator, all I remember is hitting the road and grinding across the tarmac, I could see sparks flying off the bike as the road ate into the newly chromed parts, the bike n me came to a halt some 70 feet away from the impact, my eyes were closed hoping it was dream, I opened them , it wasn't, the first thing that crossed my mind is that I never got the bike into 4th, now I'll never know its potential.... I could hear someone shout for water, I could see some boys looking down on me, soon there was crowd, all wanting to know what happened, none willing to help. One man asked me for my phone to call for an ambulance, I gave it to him in good faith, he did call for an ambulance, its a different story that he had runaway with the phone soon after.

The ambulance, the hospital, the operation, the discharge, the gyan sessions, the emotional older aunts, the friends lost, the friends found it didn't matter, it still hurt.

A few days later, I decided to to tell my dad about the whole story, how I veered off to avoid the little kid and the works, my dad looked at me weird n said '' you got pretty much all the story right, only there was no kid '''' it was a man '' ... I don't remember the man but the kid still haunts me at times ... My only explanation for it is that I was under so much mental stress that I halucinated the kid, a mirage... It weird the things that emotions do to u...

Lilac Lily Pads : A loser’s Dream

I no longer have a direction, its almost like I'm a wayward arrow hoping to hit something, kill something, be useful but all that happens is a quiet thud as I belly flop into the slush ... Hee hee I used the word thud, too big for an arrow but anyway. Normal relationships are almost impossible to sustain, and I'm not even talking about the opposite sex here, I've realised that if do not do something to jeopardize a smooth sail my work is but incomplete. A girl once told me that I push people away evrytime I start to open up... Wonder what made her say that but guess there is some truth in it ... Another person once told me that I'm the nicest when I'm not talking... He wondered why I had to insult someone before I paid them a compliment. ... Honestly I didn't even know that I do that ... Random rambling ...

I'm not too sure where I stand now ... A lady once told people called her a feminist because she expressed an opinion different from a door mat ... I pity her, she feels she was being different by not conforming but the irony is that she was conforming to an alternative route ...

I always wanted to keep a jaguar as a pet... I settled for a dog instead ... I always wanted a perfect relationship I ended up with a hole riddled soul ... I wanted to go to hell n I had to settle for earth... Damn underachieving seems to be part of me Even when I decide to do somethin about it the plan goes kaput ...

Friends I say, the only thing worth the pain ... They may suck at giving advice but its worth it, they get u into trouble but its still worth it, Dey may owe u money but its still all good cos u owe them too ...